Never broken like this,
a hero have left her, him, me, us,
broken into pieces.

Not a normal day of silence,
we only have grief this time on the dinner table,
flashing back, 3,5 hours back to a day and then to another week,
we are moving back, and back to the days of your laughter.

A part of us died as you go..
Leaving us in denial..

We are hurting in silence.
She is hurting in silence,
but that what binds us together,
this hurt because of the love you brought to us.

You’ll live in our memories forever..

May god be with you Eizhar,25.10.1982-25.8.2011..

I used to write. About my secret life.
Its gets so deep that it grew to be like an art.
My kind of art was so abstract, painted acrylic, hard and beautiful..
It sets colours to imaginations with words that will set people’s minds to think,
and its the kind of art that is going to be appreciated.

But underneath it all, there was pain,
smearing covering the guilt I built up over the couple of years.
A blackhole, written in codes hoping for someone to decipher it for me,
to free me from the grave I built for myself.

One night, someone did make me decipher it for myself for I thought it was for someone else. Everything broke into pieces. That kind of art disappear. I threw it away because it haunted me for me.

Somedays I am thankful that I never have to read it ever again.
But Somedays I wish I could retrieve back for just for arts sake.

I brought this pain upon me. No one else. Everyone has their own little dirty secret. Like a criminal who never get caught, they will keep doing until eventually they got caught.. Its just funny how things happens years ago.. At times I let it go. At times, I find myself falling into the pit of fucking insecurity, because I was shamed by my own deed. But I know all these happens for a reason. A reason for me to change. I am trying to change in fact I’m changing. The Ego for acting like things never happened can just blow it back like a movie playing in my own fucking mind. Over and over again. Its a serious lesson learnt that I’m just gonna let it go and feel extremely grateful that it happened. Because if it doesn’t happen at that point of time, bad things that is going to happen will be greater, that’s a fact.

And as my story goes.. There is no happy ending to the things you do for the thrill of doing things without thinking the consequences of your love ones.. Curiosity already killed the cat, I was nearly killed.. For playing with too much fire, the consolation prize is the extreme emotional pain of guilt carrying around at the back of my mind every single day..

Fulfillment is about giving, loving, compromise, appreciate everything and everyone. And that’s the happy ending.

Not some fucked up fairytale you made yourselves to believe.